Getting out of an abusive relationship (How to save your life and career)
What’s love got to do with it?
You love him, so you stay, waiting for those moments you see a glimpse of the charming, loving, romantic man you met.
There will always be spousal disputes, no relationship is perfect, but abuse is abuse.
Don’t try to be his savior, when you can’t even save yourself. Fighting back won’t help.
You will go back and forth, up and down, until one of you decides it’s enough and leaves.
Every time, I have a client that is a victim of domestic violence, my heart hurts for her. They are very intelligent women, with good jobs and knowledge that they are in an abusive relationship. They come to therapy hoping they can either learn how to change their man, stop feeling anxious and depressed or they just don’t know how to GET OUT.
She can be the most successful, strong, smart woman you know in the company, but when she goes home, she is a timid, scared and abused woman. There are so many “successful” women that appear to have it all together, but hide behind a mask, because at home, they are victims of Domestic Abuse. GET OUT….. is not just a movie, it happens in real life, to anyone in a Domestic Violent relationship. It’s the inability to think for yourself, it’s being mentally paralyzed and being trapped in a sunken place.
“He slammed me into a wall because I tried to hug him. We were having an argument and I wanted to end it. He scared me. He said he thought I was going to hit him (I never hit him) said he didn’t mean to hurt me. I went to work the next day as if nothing happened. I tried to wipe it out of my mind, he is usually an amazing guy.”
WHY DO “STRONG & SMART” WOMEN STAY ?
Her mental health is affected the longer she stays and the more isolated she becomes.
She is emotionally isolated until she speaks up and tells people how bad it is.
Guilt and shame of admitting to abuse.
There is also rationalization, it’s not that bad.
I have to stay for the kids.
I don’t want to be alone.
All men are like this.
You cannot change this man. I know you love him and you believe he loves you, but he needs to get professional help. Every woman that husband or boyfriend killed them, hoped for the best. They all believed the charming, loving man that they met would return, only to realize that man they met, was not who he is.
Please understand that if YOU stay in an this relationship, for your “kids” you are doing a disservice to your children. Staying in the relationship is more emotionally damaging that leaving.
You can learn to effectively co-parent where your kids can still have their father in their lives if he chose to stay that way.
Keeping your kids in the home with an abusive man, is not good for their mental health. Your kids also learn about relationships from you. Your son learns it’s okay to abuse his wife. Your daughter learns it’s okay to be abused. Your children can end up back in a similar relationship because of the impact of staying, which they can then pass down to their children. You are responsible to break the cycle.
Whether it is emotional abuse or physical abuse you need to get out. You can and will be fine on your own. Do not be ashamed that you were abused or could not keep your family together. Millions of women leave abusive relationships to protect their mental and physical well being.
“He put the pillow over my face and said he can’t stand me. We didn’t speak for a few days. Mostly I tried to avoid him. Then one day, he suggested we take the kids to the movies, so I agreed. We had a good time.”
The concept of the movie GET OUT, is being mentally trapped in a toxic relationship with an abuser who pursued you, for their emotional gain. Yes, that movie was about race and racism, but apply the same concept to a woman in a Domestic Violent relationship. She is trapped mentally and physically by an abuser who wishes to dominate and control her for his emotional gain.
I learned about Domestic Violence at a very young age.
I don’t remember how young, but I remember when I learned the severity of it.
When I was around 10 years old, I was playing with some kids at my neighbor’s house, a boy and girl around my age. I overheard a conversation between my neighbor and another woman. They said their Dad killed their Mom and then killed himself. They were orphans.
I had heard of a man from my home country, chopping his wife up and then drinking poison but it seemed like a made up story far away, it didn’t effect anyone I knew.
This confused and terrified me. I didn’t want that to happen to me and my parents, but what’s a kid to do in that situation?
At home, my mother taught me that a woman could lose her identity and give up her power to a man, if she was not confident and empowered in her ability to be independent.
At home, my father taught me that a woman who lacks self-worth and self-esteem can be attacked, beaten, cheated on, disrespected and verbally abused.
Something my mother instilled in me growing up was the importance of education and God. This will always be my saving grace to protect me from remaining in any emotionally or physically abusive relationship. It is because of my upbringing that I know my peace of mind, my freedom and safety are not worth staying in an abusive relationship for any reason, not for the kids and not for money.
Am I in an abusive relationship?
All abusive relationships are not like Ike and Tina. And you may not end up with black eyes or broken ribs (hopefully), that doesn’t mean it is not abusive and you are not in danger.
“We were on a date, arguing about what to get to eat before a movie, I was being difficult. I didn’t want the sandwich that he bought me. As we were walking down the street, he yelled at me and threw the sandwich.”
If your mind and body are telling you something is not right, DO NOT DISARM YOUR ALARM. We are wired to avoid danger, until we convince ourselves we are safe. There will be red flags with your partner. There will also be your own signs.
Mental health issues can manifest in women in abusive relationships experience, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, hyper-vigilance, malingering, somatization, physical illness.
Red flags (What to look for?)
Control, Jealousy, Secrets and Lies.
Manipulation and verbal abuse disguised as concern or advice.
Throws things, breaks things, punches holes in the wall, etc.
Isolation from your friends and family. Finds fault with everyone, upset you spend too much time with them.
Jekyll and Hyde. He literally seems like two different people in one. You never know which one will surface or what triggers it.
The abusive cycle
According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, there is no abusive cycle, because that terminology places blame on the victim and it would mean that abuse is predictable. Abuse is not predictable. There is no LOGICAL reason for the abuse, which is why you cannot predict or control your abusive partners behavior.
· He’s sweet charming. All is well.
· He’s angry, aggressive. Everything is horrible.
· In the same day, he can be sweet charming and angry and aggressive, without any warning as to why the switch happened.
· He says sorry. He says he won’t do it again.
· He does it again and he threatens you.
How do you know it’s time to go?
When your relationship is impacting your mental health, your daily functioning, your career it’s time to go.
I would like to say as soon as you know…but many don’t know.
You talked about it, offered counseling, anger management, to go to church, tried to help them.
You waited, hoped, vented and prayed. You even tried to change yourself. You’ve tried everything…..EVERYTHING!
So when is it time to go?
“I didn’t leave until I felt empowered.” Shanda Roberts Founder of From Pain to Purpose, LLC
The key word is felt empowered. If a woman does not believe she can leave, she can live on her own, she can handle the aftermath, she will be psychologically paralyzed (even if she is unhappy).
An empowered woman feels safe, knows her worth, she is confident in her ability to provide for herself and her children. She is not afraid to set boundaries and make decisions for herself.
This is why I am sooooo very passionate about empowering women’s minds. I encourage women not to hide behind their guilt or shame. I encourage women to speak their truth and their real emotions. I give women a safe space to take off the superwoman cape and remove the mask. Speaking her truth is the first step to healing.
She needs to leave early and fast, as soon as she becomes aware she is in an abusive relationship.
My mission is empowering women to pursue the careers and businesses that will allow them to be emotionally, physically and financially independent.
Empowered ladies lead their own lives, on their terms, any man in her life compliments her not completes her.
Safety Plan (Preparing to Get Out)
You need to maintain consistency and normalcy. Don’t warn your partner you are leaving.
Gray Rock Technique. Do not react emotionally to what your partner says and does. Be still like a rock. They feed off your emotions, so give none.
De-escalate arguments. Forget about being right or proving your point, they don’t want to hear it.
Emotionally disengage. Try to emotionally detach from the “good times” this is part of the abusive cycle.
Have a supportive network, a church group, a therapist, a therapy group or domestic violence shelter.
Have 2 very trusted friends that can support you, if you need someplace to stay.
Gather all of you and your kids important documents and keep them at a friends house.
Create a google phone number and email address that your partner doesn’t know about.
Get a P.O. Box or forward your mail to a friends house.
Get another bank account, where no one else has access, use a friends address. Start stashing money.
The Exit Strategy (When it’s time Go Time!)
You need to have a good plan in action. Do not tell your partner you are leaving.
Plan the day and time you are leaving.
Try to have the kids stay somewhere else while you are moving.
Organize a plan with a friend to meet you, just in case your partner comes home.
Have a back up plan to go to a local domestic violence shelter.
Have some clothes packed in a back pack for you and kids keep it at a friends house.
Get a restraining order.
Put an alert at your children’s school that their other parent cannot pick them up from school.
Only 1 or 2 trusted people should know about your plan to leave and only one person needs to know your exit strategy.
IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TRUSTED FRIENDS/FAMILY SEEK PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT ASAP.
You will need to go “No Contact”. If you need to contact them, for the kids, get a mediator or an objective third party involved.
Maybe communication can resume after you have been separated for some time and you are safe in your new home.
If there are circumstances where your partner threatens your life the court may advise supervised visitation with the children.
We all want to live happily ever after. We want to find “the one “.
A man to marry, to have our children with and to build a life and grow old together. We want to honor our wedding vows, in sickness and health, til death do us part.
But no where in the wedding vows does it say in love and domestic abuse, until murder does us part.
The fact is, you cannot change a man. You cannot make someone to think different, feel different, act different. You cannot fix his life. Iyanla can’t fix their life. He has to do this on his own.
He has to see something is wrong with his behavior and have the desire and will to take the steps necessary to change. Until he does that, you will be in a continuous pattern of abuse.
And if you were wondering…. emotional and verbal abuse are also extremely detrimental to you and your children’ mental health.
The strongest women I know, have been survivors of domestic abuse and they are empowered to lead lives on their own terms.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/ If you are in imminent danger call 9-1-1.
From Pain To Purpose
Starting over can be whatever you want. You can marry again, start a new career, a new business. You can be happier and healthier with the confidence that you can overcome ANYTHING.
I know the thought of starting over is scary.
But when you focus on what you will GAIN, instead of what you are losing starting over becomes a breath of fresh air, a second chance, a do-over on your terms.
Living your best life, means living the life God intended, one where you are loved, where you feel free, where you pursue your purpose.
Here is my interview with Shanda Roberts CEO of Pain to Purpose, and domestic violence survivor, talking about how she got out for good and turned her experience into a mission.
Credits: Hype Media Global, LLC.
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About The Author:
Seneca Williams, LMHC, CPC, therapist and coach, is the Founder of the premiere membership network for women, to address entrepreneurship and emotional wellness. The Conquer Network was birthed, when she realized the distinct connection between an entrepreneurs success to her emotional wellness and mindset, which is not addressed in traditional business coaching. She helps women entrepreneurs, build confidence and improve their emotions, to improve their productivity as an entrepreneur. In the network, entrepreneurs gain strategies on personal growth and entrepreneurship from industry experts.
Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/@nappy